Now that I have grown
I reflect on the life we both have lived
And compare the two
As I sit here and think
That I did indeed come from you
Mother,
Through the years
I’ve been searching for meaning
What does it mean to be a woman?
Time is weening
Please tell me
You disappear more
Each day that goes by
I need an answer
Before the day
All of you dies
I will try some way
Somehow
To keep you alive
As your daughter I promise you this
I promise that I will try
You grew me in the peak of your womanhood
A second child to redeem the first
Like a ghost you stood
You watched them mother her
In arms that weren’t yours
Rewinding
That heartbreaking ’93 Summer
Like a broken record
But in your heart
You knew this was good
Haunted
Your color seeped away
Because she was your first to bare
A piece of you given
You promised her
And made your decision:
To never let her be scared
Like a ghost you stood
A life in pictures
Of phantom memories
Whispers of
“What could have beens”
Resonating infinitely
So
She sailed away
In your mind
You left her a letter
Saying
“This will be the only thing left of me…
My first child
Stay away from me
Please!
I cannot bare
The pain you gave me
My greatest joy
That I had to leave
So I could set you free
I love you so much dear
Sincerely,
Your real Mommy”
Shadows come and they go
A few years pass
A little down the road
Your second child will be your second chance
You will name her Joy
Under the moon she will dance
Your heart stitches itself back together
With happiness on the horizon
The stars are aligned
You are pregnant by early December
You look up to the sky
To find Orion
There I grew
Within your womb
You nourished me with the cosmos of the universe
As my father echoed melodies next to you
You told me I was born at 2:02 in the afternoon
And now I find myself remembering details exactly like you do
My dad tells me I have your temper
But also your wit
Mathematical equations, strategies, and justification
Run in the family I guess
But I’d like to sit here and state
That I need to get this off my chest
Because I exuded so much hate
My childhood years being forced to visit you
Mother Dearest
Yes, I’m talking about you
You gave me life and blood and bones
Plucked from the stars
A piece of you that my sister and I share
A warrior trapped in a woman’s body
Approach with caution if you dare
Something we all can relate to
As people turn to stone from our glares
Medusa was “seduced” by Poseidon
Then cursed by Athena as punishment
At one woman’s cost, another woman suffers
Let’s not repeat
The Puritan witch-hunt
1692
Vengeance has no sex
Burn the beguiled demons
No one is innocent
What I’ve come to know
About the role of a woman
Is the repressed fury
Poisoning her
Erasing her beauty
The woman is ________
I will fill in the blanks
Through time and patience
We share your blood
And the essence of your femininity
It drips from our wombs
And gives us power by baring legacy
Eve was favored and considered “good”
But I tend to prefer
Adam’s first wife
Lilith
A demonized victim of the patriarchy
Serpent woman
Who is mostly just misunderstood
The fallen woman
That scarlet letter
Helen of Troy
Branded on her forever
A product of “lost innocence”
Or female liberation
A convicted scar
That represents “evil”
A curse of eternal damnation
“And to those thorns in her bosom lodge, to prick and sting her”
Why do men hold the power of female prosecution?
Lilith was victorious
With her independence
But forever she will be known
As evil for seeking freedom and equal treatment
Satan himself
Or should I say herself?
Had the most beautiful face
And recklessly fell
Away from time and space
Away from grace
And now all women are faced with the same fate
Wickedness and beauty go hand-in-hand
Connected to the Earth
Rather than the Heavens we fell from
We intuitively stand
“She is both phantom and reality”
Baring the life we give from our wombs
A curse of evil
That fate wove into the stars
Like Lilith’s
Resonating deeply within our roots
Those walls were only walls
A small part of time and space
With white paint to match the halls
I look more like my dad now
Everyone says it’s true
I have less of your face
And more of my own
The clock was 3 minutes slow
Time lead me here
Now I can begin to let go
I see you now
And I forgive you too
Even though you’ve hurt everyone around you
In the face of pain
After some time
It seemed like no one knew what to do
You let your demons take control
As you lost yourself, me, and my father
To the ones you let loose
Frolicking through
In Mother Dearest, A Wall
Part I, and now Part II
Try to understand me mother
Because I’m trying to understand you too
We’re all gone from the mind you once knew
But I just wanted to say now
That I understand you
I know why you chose this path
Because giving up numbed all of your misunderstood wrath
A rage that only Lilith herself could compare to
Or Nathaniel Hawthorn
As the rest of the world will forever scorn her
And scorn you
Embroidering an A across your heart
Damned to the depths of Hell
Where Satan himself will welcome you
Hester Prynne
Back to our roots
“My child must seek a heavenly [mother]; she shall never know an earthly one”
An F. Scott Fitzgerald beautiful fool
I’ve met my sister
And I talk to her every day
But I often think
She’s the one you had to give away
She’s smart like me and has a temper too
And now we get the chance to live
And to redeem you
You gave us life
We came from you
Our choice is to live good lives
But often struggle with the demons you left behind
In the blood they run through
Spooking us every now and then
We have now learned to deal with them
Because
They’re only ghosts in our minds
But to you they were real life
And all I have to say now
Is what I truly believe is right
You never had a chance
And I think it’s extremely unfair
I’m angry for you
And I wish that someone had cared
But no one here is to blame for your fate
And I’m so sorry that I showed you so much wrath
So much hate
Please forgive me mother
I never doubted your love because you always made me see
And above all else
Thank you for creating me.
*Originally published in CSU Bakersfield’s Orpheus
